Peace from Chaos

I was drowning. Swirling in a sea of darkness, I was drowning. Suddenly I felt my body begin to ascend out of the darkness and opening my eyes I could see the hazy light above me. Safety. But a safety that seemed unattainable. My lungs ached from the deprivation of air, and there was this trailing thought that went through my mind, to just open my mouth, and allow the water to enter and to fill my lungs to bring me reprieve from the torture that I was feeling.


But I didn't. There was somewhere within me, some place buried deep down, where my will to live still held out for hope. A place where death was not an option, and I began to rise up from that place and fight to live. Rushing towards the light I was not sure that there was time. My lungs were on fire from lack of air and I felt a great weight on them. For the briefest moment, I clung to the hope of life.


And then I burst free and took in great breaths of the sweetest air that I had ever breathed. But my ascent did not stop. My body was pulled from the waters and I hovered above them. Looking down, I could see just the tips of my booted feet barely skimming the surface as the rest of me moved towards the shore. It was if a giant hand held me in a gentle grasp and carried me to safety.


As I got my bearings, I stepped closer to the water, and it was no longer the dark abyss that I had just come from. It was the most beautiful, crystalline blue that I have ever seen. So clear, so beautiful in it's beauty, that I could see the bed of the stream, each and every small rock and pebble seeming to glow in their simplicity. And just beneath the surface, I could see small schools of fish, in colors of silver, gold and some even striped with the colors of the rainbow just after a spring rain.


I was mesmerized, but I finally was able to draw my gaze from them to look at my surroundings. The first thing that I noticed, is that I was dry. Magically, I was not drenched. In fact, my clothing were an amazement to me. I was dressed head to toe in the purest white leather. I could not even imagine what animal would have given over it's hides to produce such a pristine shade of an almost blinding white. I wore a simple leather dress, but there was no weight to it. In fact, it was so light on my skin that it felt like a gentle caress, a whisper. The length of my dark braid lay over my left shoulder and down the front of the dress. Entwined in my shining hair were tiny blue blossoms and something that almost looked like stars pulled down from the sky.


Lifting my head I looked around, amazed. The grass was a rich, verdant green, thick like the carpets in a wagon. Kneeling down, I ran my hand over it, feeling a soft tickle on my palm. I leaned over, lay my cheek on it, closed my eyes and inhaled the scent of it. That scent of something alive, growing, nurturing. So different than the how the dried grasses of the plains have been of late.


Sitting up, I tucked my legs beneath me and looked at the other wonders that surrounded me. There were flowers like I have never seen before. Such vibrant, beautiful hues of blues, lavenders, purples, pinks, yellows and reds. And trees! Trees such as I have never seen before. Briefly my mind flickered back to the stories that Ngunda used to tell of the trees in the jungle, that grew so large, they were bigger around than a wagon. These were not that large, but they were beautiful, and some had blossoms on them, and I realized that the scent from those blossoms mingled with the scent of the carpet of grass and flowers to make the air redolent with a gentle sweetness, mixed with just a touch of something spicy.


Closing my eyes, I seemed to sit for a time simply inhaling and exhaling slowly, allowing this sweetness to wash the scent of death from the depths of my soul. And I was overcome with peace. A feeling of tranquility, safety and peace. That which I have missed for so long. I did not dare move, for I feared that it would go away, and leave me desolate again. It took some time for me to realize that it was going no where, and that all I had to do was sit there, and it was my companion.


With my eyes closed, my other senses took over. Soon, I began to pick up the sounds around me. The soft croaks of frogs nearby, the indolent buzzing of bees, the sweet warbling of song birds. I had never realized just how beautiful all of these things could be. The combination of them a symphony of music that comes from nature, an etude' of notes that played up and down the spine of my soul. Once again, peaceful, tranquil in it's complexity. It washed over me, soothed my heart and my soul, and I found myself laughing softly, then humming along with it.


Then above it all came the simple sweet notes of a flute. I know that my lips lifted into a smile of recognition. Only one person played like that. Slowly I opened my eyes and saw her, suspended above the waters, her lips laying along the flute in a smile as she played. She was as beautiful as ever, and a soft light seemed to glow from her, sending off an aura of love and goodness. When she stopped, she lowered the flute and began to speak to me in a voice that was more musical than any played note.


There you are my sweet daughter. You have been through some difficult times lately, and have met with things that you did not know existed, but you will be fine. You have explored the darkness that lives within all of us, and I think you have began to conquer yours. You have been tested, and you have passed this test, and it is time to move on. It is time for you to put the child away, and recognize the potential of the woman that has grown from her. You have much to accomplish yet, and maybe now you have the wisdom to live your life not only for others, but for yourself.


To give to others is never a bad thing, but you have to learn to temper that willingness to give, with a small selfishness of taking care of yourself. Love can be unconditional, but it must also be self protective. I think that is the part that you will now understand.


You love and respect many, but remember, most of them return this love and respect to you. Those around you that do, you must cling to, for they are your most valuable treasure. The one that came for you, someday, you need to explore with him, the true sacrifice that he made to do what he did. He is a good man, but I do not think even he realizes how good his soul is down deep. He is still living in the shadows of pain from long ago, and you need to be there for him, if he ever decides to let it go. Be what he needs for you to be, and that will be sufficient.


As for the one that drew you to the darkness, release him. Soon, you will need to release the anger and rancor that you have hidden away from yourself. Only then, will you be able to allow yourself to soar once again.


It is time now for you to move away from the darkness. It will never truly leave you, for once you discover it, the trick then is to learn from it, and to learn that it is not all consuming, unless you allow it to be. Step away from it Cana. Put your feet on the path of love and light, and you will be even stronger than you have ever been before. And remember, I will not desert you. There are times when you will have to walk your path alone, to reach the goal that is there. But I will always be watching, and I will help when I can.


And I am not going to lie, and tell you that you will not have pain and loss in your life. It is necessary for us to grow into who we are to be. Never forget the story of the boy and the caterpillar. Never allow anyone to help you, to the point that it cripples you. Struggle Cana. Struggle long and hard, to find your happiness.


Now sleep. Sleep the sleep of the righteous and the good. You do not know it right now, but you are surrounded by the love of your children. Cuddle into it, allow them to protect you for now, as you have protected them in the past. And never forget, those of us here, that love you will always be standing watch.


I found myself closing my eyes, and not even minding that I knew she would go, because I realized that she is never far away, that I hold her in my heart.


There, surrounded by happiness and tranquility I slept. The symphony of nature my lullaby, the softness of the grass and flowers my bed. I was at peace, for the first time in a very long time.